The Parenting Challenge
You wake up at 6:30 AM, already running through the mental checklist. Is the backpack packed? Did I sign the permission slip? And then the question that gnaws at you every morning: Is this the right school for my child? For parents in cities like Yerevan, where traffic jams and school commutes can eat up hours of the day, the decision is especially agonizing. But what if the real problem isn't just choosing a school—it's that our entire understanding of family and childhood is being quietly reshaped?
This is the core tension explored in a deep conversation with Aram Pachyan, an educator and father of two, who argues that Armenian families are experiencing a kind of "inflation"—not of money, but of meaning. The family as an institution, he says, is losing its value. And parenting advice today often focuses on the wrong things: finding the perfect school, managing screen time, or pushing children to fulfill our dreams. The real challenge is to step back and ask: What is childhood really for?
What the Research Says
Pachyan's observations echo a growing body of developmental research. When he describes school as feeling like a prison for many children, he's pointing to a documented phenomenon: the mismatch between children's developmental needs and the structure of modern schooling. At age six, children are naturally curious, social, and eager to explore. But many schools prioritize compliance over creativity. Studies show that when children feel autonomous and connected at school, their motivation and learning outcomes improve dramatically. Yet, the pressure to "choose the right school" often leads parents to focus on rankings or facilities rather than the daily emotional experience of the child.
Another key insight from the conversation is the idea that families formed without love can be just as strong as those formed with love—but only if they are built on genuine connection, not obligation. What the research actually shows is that family stability matters more than the initial reason for marriage. Children thrive in environments where they feel safe, seen, and supported, regardless of whether their parents married for love or convenience. However, when family becomes a hollow institution—when parents are present but emotionally absent—children suffer. This is the "family inflation" Pachyan describes: the form remains, but the substance erodes.
Finally, Pachyan challenges the common belief that childhood should be carefree. "When we leave children carefree, thinking childhood is carefree years, there is great danger," he says. This aligns with developmental psychology that shows children need manageable challenges to build resilience. Overprotecting children from all stress—or, conversely, pushing them to achieve our own goals—can undermine their ability to develop a strong sense of self.
Practical Strategies
So how do you choose a school when you feel paralyzed by options? Pachyan offers a surprisingly simple but powerful method: go to the school and watch the children's faces. Stand near the entrance in the morning and observe. Are kids running in with excitement, or dragging their feet with dread? Watch them leave at the end of the day. Do they burst out laughing with friends, or do they look relieved to escape? This visual check is worth more than any brochure or rating.
Next, he suggests interviewing the principal—but not with typical questions about curriculum or test scores. Instead, ask a real parenting dilemma. For example: "My child is starting to use a phone all the time. What should I do?" If the principal gives a quick, authoritarian answer like "Just take it away," that's a red flag. A thoughtful principal will acknowledge the complexity and show that they think about children's development, not just rules. This tells you more about the school's culture than any mission statement.
For parents who feel stuck with only one school option, the advice is different: focus on finding a good teacher within that system. A compassionate, skilled classroom teacher can buffer many of the school's flaws. Visit the school, ask to meet the teacher, and trust your gut about their warmth and openness. In the early years especially, the relationship with the teacher is more important than the school's reputation.
Real Parent Reality
Let's be honest: theory is easier than practice. You might watch children's faces and still feel unsure. You might interview a principal and get a perfect-sounding answer that feels hollow later. And if you live in a community with only one school, the choice is already made for you. That's okay. The point isn't to add another layer of guilt to parenting. It's to shift your focus from finding a perfect institution to creating a supportive environment at home.
Many parents I work with tell me they feel pressure to enroll their child in the "best" school, even if it means a long commute and a stressed-out kid. They worry that not choosing the elite option will hurt their child's future. But what the research consistently shows is that a child's sense of belonging and autonomy matters more than the school's prestige. A child who feels safe and valued at a modest local school will often outperform a stressed-out child at a top-tier school.
Pachyan's own parenting journey reflects this. He admits to making mistakes—like not sending his children to music school when they were young, something he still regrets. But he also emphasizes that children need freedom with responsibility. If you give a child the freedom to make decisions, they must also carry the consequences. This is hard for many parents, who want to protect their kids from failure. But it's through small failures that children learn resilience.
Different Ages, Different Approaches
For toddlers and preschoolers, the focus should be on play and connection, not academics. The school choice question is less urgent. Instead, prioritize a warm, predictable home environment where your child can explore safely. At this age, children learn best through unstructured play and responsive caregiving. Don't worry about "preparing" them for school—worry about building a secure attachment.
For school-age children (ages 6-12), the school environment becomes more significant. This is when you should use Pachyan's observation technique. Also, pay attention to how your child talks about school at home. Do they mention friends and fun activities, or do they complain about rules and boredom? If the latter, consider whether a change is possible or if you can advocate for adjustments within the current school.
For teenagers, the dynamic shifts again. Teens need increasing autonomy and a sense of purpose. The school's role is to provide opportunities for exploration, not just academic pressure. If your teen is disengaged, it might not be about the school itself but about a lack of meaningful challenges. Talk to them about what they want to learn, not just what they have to learn. And remember: your relationship with them matters more than any institution. As Pachyan notes, the family's inflation is about losing meaning—so make sure your family is a place of genuine connection, not just obligation.
The Takeaway
The most urgent parenting challenge today isn't finding the perfect school or managing screen time. It's preserving the meaning of family in a world that often reduces it to a checklist of achievements. Pachyan's call to action is simple but profound: don't use your children to fulfill your own dreams. Let them have their own childhood, with all its messiness and joy.
Here's one thing you can try today: instead of asking your child "What did you learn at school?" ask "What made you laugh today?" or "Who did you help?" These questions shift the focus from performance to connection. And if you're feeling overwhelmed by school choice, take a deep breath. Watch the children's faces. Trust your instincts. And remember that the most important education happens not in a building, but in the moments of love and presence you share at home.
